Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

I just wanted you to know that you were right. You didn't have faith in a lot of people, but you believed in your husband. You said that he promised you faithfully that he would take care of me and Nicholas should anything ever happen to you. I wasn't sure what to expect. You were always my only ally. It's been very scary since you've been gone. But you were right. Bob Huie has stood by us and he's the only one who has hugged me when I cry. I know he truly cares. He hugs me and tells me that he's sorry that I hurt, he tells me we can make it. He hasn't taken away our only security, and he takes steps to ensure that we survive when he is gone, too. I guess I worried that he would let you down, because so many others had. But you told me you knew, and I should have known that you were right. You always were. So thank you, Mom, for giving me someone who loved you enough that he loves us too. I know it was for us more than it ever was for you, because you never thought of yourself first. You always gave me all you could, and I've never felt more love than the love I have from you.

With all my heart and soul,

Your daughter,

Victoria

Summer's Here...

Mom hated summer. Something else we shared. Her mother hated it, too. We would much rather be cold with a hot cup of tea. My grandma loved the rain, and so did Mom. A day or two ( I can't remember which) after Mom passed away, there was a rainy day like I'd never seen before. I remember thinking that it was Mom. I thought she was making a powerful statement. A statement of maybe she hadn't wanted it to end like this. I felt she was telling me she would never be gone, that she was still here looking out for me. She gave me the strong rain to show how strong she now was, and how strong she wanted me to be.

And summer didn't set in too early this year. I think Mom has made friends with Mother Nature, and she's held it off especially for me this year. Mom has always been powerful, and I believe she is more powerful now than ever. And I believe she has held fast to her life long purpose of taking care of those she loves. I know her like no one ever knew her, and the one thing Mom would never do is 'give up'... and neither will I.

Six Months Later...

I look at you everyday; your pictures, your housecoat, your pots & pans. I cut the coupons for our shopping day (still Thursday). I make Bob chocolate pudding. I order books for Nicholas on Amazon. And when I feel lonely for you, I drink tea out of your special cup (it's where it always was, and there's always a fresh tea bag inside... waiting). We went to the beach, and I looked out at the ocean and the sand, and I pictured you standing by the pier. We gathered shells and then we took them up on the pier and each picked a special one to throw in the water in honor of you.

I still cry. There is such a void in my soul, in my life. I know it's better for you this way, and I would never bring you back to what was. My heart was breaking for you when you were still here, and though you pain is gone, my heart breaks now because I miss you. But you suffered so for me, and I will live with my broken heart for you.

Someday I feel that God will let us be together again, and I will be waiting... Time After Time...

Standing By You

I can talk and no one listens, just as you did. I could yell and scream to tell them how it was. They'd never hear me. They never heard you. I feel sometimes as if I could explode with irritation, but it's futile... Then I close my eyes and see you. They'll never know or even care you'd say to me. You'd tell me that what mattered was that we knew. And the only peace I have is that we always knew. In my heart it's just the way you left it. What we had will never ever change. The love, the laughter, the tears and the pain will remain with me as you do. I can't pretend, I never will, as we discussed so many times that's not a luxury that either one of us could ever afford. But the truth holds so much more, and it's reward is much more valuable. My reward was walking by your side, through good and bad and all that came between. We weathered what life sent our way and danced inside it's rainbows. And if anyone should look for me, they needn't look too far, I'm right where I have always been... Standing By You...

Earth Day

How appropriate that I write of you today. For I believe that you have become a part of everything around me. I know it's you that makes my world more beautiful, that the tree we planted together grows more full since you've been gone. You want me to know that you're still here, and so you have become a part of all the things we loved together. It's you who brought the baby kittens to my door, because you know how much I've always wanted to experience this joy. And the grass that now is growing where it wouldn't grow before, you made it grow for me. I know it's you, because you'd give me the world if you could, and you're telling me you love me and that you'll always be with me... I hear you, Mom, and I love you, too. I'd give you the world, too. But I guess we both know that our love for eachother transcends time and space, and we will always be together here in this life, in past lives and in some future life there will be friends that all will envy... because they always have. Thank you for sharing this day, and for sharing this life with me.

Who Is "Steve"?

I went back to read "Not In Vain", and someone commented on it. It said "Steve". Who is this person? Is there someone else who shares my grief? Or are you someone I know? Please reveal yourself.

Meanwhile, I try everyday to go forward as you'd want me to. Some days are harder than others. I often wonder if you'd approve of how I handle things since you've been gone. I tell myself that you would be proud of me no matter what. I try to recall our conversations when you would tell me how much I contribute to this world. I know there are no guarantees in life, but I want so much to succeed and make you proud. Oh, Mom, I miss the times we shared. My Scrabble game and Yahtzee sit untouched. The tears well in my eyes knowing we will never play again. What am I supposed to do now for a friend? You are gone and I am lonely. But I know I must go on. Once you said that when you died you knew that I'd die with you, I feel I have. I am alone as you once were, so I will try to do as you once did. It breaks my heart to know that you were so alone, I feel now the way you must have felt. I love and miss you Mom. I hope you're in a place where you are happy, I hope someday that I will join you there.

Not In Vain...

Mom was discouraged. And when she voiced it to anyone other than me, they brushed her aside. I watched as others were given credit for doing her job (as a mother and more) and her protests were ignored. I saw the tears that filled her eyes when no one listened. So many phony sentiments being passed around to those who deserved nothing, while she was passed over . So many benefited from her love, and so few ever gave it back or acknowledged her. She didn't want fame or fortune, just credit for her hard work. The hard work she did alone. No one helped her raise her children. No one helped her feed and clothe them or put a roof over their heads. No one but her shared her children's pain and sorrow and wiped away their tears. My mother gave her life's blood only to be forgotten by so many who could have given back. It would have cost them nothing to at least acknowledge it was her efforts that helped them to succeed. All they had to do was give her credit. But instead they turned their backs and acted like she never mattered. Where would they all be now, were it not for the love and hard work that she gave so freely? But I knew, and I still know... So on this Easter continue your empty diatribe, pretend to know what God is all about, and ignore the fact that what you say is phony, no one really pays attention anyway, right? Wrong. "Empty words from empty hearts won't heavens passage buy..." Maybe someday you will give to those who really matter, not to those you do not matter to. And then what my mother tried to teach you will not have been in vain...

A Day You Knew Was Hard For Me

If you were here on this day, Mom, you would know like you knew every year, that it is one of several out of the year that always pains me. Only you would look inside and see the hurt and confusion that has always clouded my way. Only Mom, and that is something you would have liked to spare me from. I always knew the burden that you carried alone, but because I am a mother now I share it, too. Because of you, I didn't have to be alone, and selfishly I clung to you and knew that you would always understand. I'm grateful that I had you in my life as long as I did. Thank you for not only carrying your own burdens and never faltering, but for willingly helping me carry mine, too. Moms are for so many things, and I will do my best to carry on the tasks that came so naturally to you.

I will recall the words you always said to see me through this day. I will see your eyes that gave me comfort when words would never do. I will hear you laugh and see you smile, and feel your warm embrace. And as always I will love you like no other. Though you're not here, I still feel you, because you made sure you gave me all you could. You gave me all your love so I would never be alone, and I will always hold you close to me, my Dear. You will always be my best friend..."Time After Time..."

Mom used to joke when anticipating a call or visit she would rather avoid. She'd say, "Tell them Alyce doesn't live here anymore", and she'd smile the way only she could, or laugh that wonderful "Belknap" laugh. I can still hear her.

On December 1, 2009, after waking up at home and spending the day with those she loved, Mom fell asleep in my chair for the last time. All traces of her ordeal at the hospital washed away, her hair soft and gray, freshly done, in her favorite yellow floral nightgown with her warm and snuggly robe; she rested with her feet on the ottoman, covered with her favorite blanket. She closed her big hazel eyes, secure again at home where she belonged.

Finally at peace. Mom had toiled for too long. Though she never complained. To her there was much to do, and she wouldn't have chosen to leave. Mom gave her all, and more, everyday unselfishly to those she loved. And she never asked for anything in return. I'm afraid she never got much either. Mom didn't covet material things, but there were so many things I would have given to make her much more comfortable if my wallet could have allowed. God knows she gave freely of her own. But her biggest wealth came from her heart. The love she gave would wrap you in a blanket of security, where you were sure no one could ever get to you without going through her first, and I never met a force strong enough to get through her. If she was your ally, you needed no more.

The secrets that we shared will never leave me, the love she gave will sustain me evermore. For every trial that life gives me, I have the strength and insight of Mom's words. That was her gift to me, she taught me life and showed me by example how to survive. She was a pillar of optimism in the face of adversity, and she never faltered or gave up, it wasn't in her. She was made of much too tough a character, morality and values without end. Proof that in the end it's not what you have, it's what you're made of. She's my hero and I'm thankful to have known her; proud to be her daughter and her friend.

So, "Alyce doesn't live here" isn't quite true. She lives forever and her love will never fade. If your path crossed hers than you will not forget her, and you will never know such luck again...