In My Dreams

"Alyce doesn't live here anymore" and I miss her. She was my best friend, my confidant, my Mom. Though I am old enough to go it on my own, I always told her when she left I'd be alone. I try to go on, I do what I must ( just as she did). But there are moments when I remember what we had, when I hear her voice (or wish I could). I wish that I could hold her hand and tell her that I love her. And my tears fall in silence...

But last night she came to me in a dream. She looked at me softly and told me how much she loved me, and I lingered there... I close my eyes and linger in the glow of her smile...

Your best friend misses you, Mom, with all her heart and soul. I hope you know.

"Time After Time..."

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

I just wanted you to know that you were right. You didn't have faith in a lot of people, but you believed in your husband. You said that he promised you faithfully that he would take care of me and Nicholas should anything ever happen to you. I wasn't sure what to expect. You were always my only ally. It's been very scary since you've been gone. But you were right. Bob Huie has stood by us and he's the only one who has hugged me when I cry. I know he truly cares. He hugs me and tells me that he's sorry that I hurt, he tells me we can make it. He hasn't taken away our only security, and he takes steps to ensure that we survive when he is gone, too. I guess I worried that he would let you down, because so many others had. But you told me you knew, and I should have known that you were right. You always were. So thank you, Mom, for giving me someone who loved you enough that he loves us too. I know it was for us more than it ever was for you, because you never thought of yourself first. You always gave me all you could, and I've never felt more love than the love I have from you.

With all my heart and soul,

Your daughter,

Victoria

Summer's Here...

Mom hated summer. Something else we shared. Her mother hated it, too. We would much rather be cold with a hot cup of tea. My grandma loved the rain, and so did Mom. A day or two ( I can't remember which) after Mom passed away, there was a rainy day like I'd never seen before. I remember thinking that it was Mom. I thought she was making a powerful statement. A statement of maybe she hadn't wanted it to end like this. I felt she was telling me she would never be gone, that she was still here looking out for me. She gave me the strong rain to show how strong she now was, and how strong she wanted me to be.

And summer didn't set in too early this year. I think Mom has made friends with Mother Nature, and she's held it off especially for me this year. Mom has always been powerful, and I believe she is more powerful now than ever. And I believe she has held fast to her life long purpose of taking care of those she loves. I know her like no one ever knew her, and the one thing Mom would never do is 'give up'... and neither will I.

Six Months Later...

I look at you everyday; your pictures, your housecoat, your pots & pans. I cut the coupons for our shopping day (still Thursday). I make Bob chocolate pudding. I order books for Nicholas on Amazon. And when I feel lonely for you, I drink tea out of your special cup (it's where it always was, and there's always a fresh tea bag inside... waiting). We went to the beach, and I looked out at the ocean and the sand, and I pictured you standing by the pier. We gathered shells and then we took them up on the pier and each picked a special one to throw in the water in honor of you.

I still cry. There is such a void in my soul, in my life. I know it's better for you this way, and I would never bring you back to what was. My heart was breaking for you when you were still here, and though you pain is gone, my heart breaks now because I miss you. But you suffered so for me, and I will live with my broken heart for you.

Someday I feel that God will let us be together again, and I will be waiting... Time After Time...

Standing By You

I can talk and no one listens, just as you did. I could yell and scream to tell them how it was. They'd never hear me. They never heard you. I feel sometimes as if I could explode with irritation, but it's futile... Then I close my eyes and see you. They'll never know or even care you'd say to me. You'd tell me that what mattered was that we knew. And the only peace I have is that we always knew. In my heart it's just the way you left it. What we had will never ever change. The love, the laughter, the tears and the pain will remain with me as you do. I can't pretend, I never will, as we discussed so many times that's not a luxury that either one of us could ever afford. But the truth holds so much more, and it's reward is much more valuable. My reward was walking by your side, through good and bad and all that came between. We weathered what life sent our way and danced inside it's rainbows. And if anyone should look for me, they needn't look too far, I'm right where I have always been... Standing By You...

Earth Day

How appropriate that I write of you today. For I believe that you have become a part of everything around me. I know it's you that makes my world more beautiful, that the tree we planted together grows more full since you've been gone. You want me to know that you're still here, and so you have become a part of all the things we loved together. It's you who brought the baby kittens to my door, because you know how much I've always wanted to experience this joy. And the grass that now is growing where it wouldn't grow before, you made it grow for me. I know it's you, because you'd give me the world if you could, and you're telling me you love me and that you'll always be with me... I hear you, Mom, and I love you, too. I'd give you the world, too. But I guess we both know that our love for eachother transcends time and space, and we will always be together here in this life, in past lives and in some future life there will be friends that all will envy... because they always have. Thank you for sharing this day, and for sharing this life with me.

Who Is "Steve"?

I went back to read "Not In Vain", and someone commented on it. It said "Steve". Who is this person? Is there someone else who shares my grief? Or are you someone I know? Please reveal yourself.

Meanwhile, I try everyday to go forward as you'd want me to. Some days are harder than others. I often wonder if you'd approve of how I handle things since you've been gone. I tell myself that you would be proud of me no matter what. I try to recall our conversations when you would tell me how much I contribute to this world. I know there are no guarantees in life, but I want so much to succeed and make you proud. Oh, Mom, I miss the times we shared. My Scrabble game and Yahtzee sit untouched. The tears well in my eyes knowing we will never play again. What am I supposed to do now for a friend? You are gone and I am lonely. But I know I must go on. Once you said that when you died you knew that I'd die with you, I feel I have. I am alone as you once were, so I will try to do as you once did. It breaks my heart to know that you were so alone, I feel now the way you must have felt. I love and miss you Mom. I hope you're in a place where you are happy, I hope someday that I will join you there.